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There is a saying that people use when they hear about cheating. They say, “If the person loved them, they wouldn’t hurt their mate like that.” Or they might say, “They never loved them in the first place if they cheated.” This is not the issue, and it’s time we heard the truth about the matter.
Would you build a house, or your own restaurant only to tear it down? No, you wouldn’t because it wouldn’t make any sense. In the same way, people aren’t about building things up to tear them down. They don’t purposely cheat nor have affairs. Who wants to build up a relationship, and then just take a wrecking ball to it? In most cases, people still love their spouse. They are just dissatisfied with what’s happening at the moment.
Cheating isn’t about love; it’s about the way they feel when they are with the other person. Maybe at the beginning of the relationship, when things were new, they felt the same way about you. Over time the routine of life sets in and several things are neglected along the way. Routines are the enemy in this case. Don’t ever get too comfortable and think you’re irreplaceable.
Something is missing. And love has NOTHING to do with it. There was a study I read from Rutger’s University and a few other relationship experts that showed that a very large percentage of men who have affairs or cheat claim to be happy in their relationships and marriages. Most men are still in love with their spouse when they cheat. That’s why most women get strung along in these cases, and the men always go back to their spouses.
Here are a few tips to prevent it from happening to you.
Tip #1: Don’t get complacent. Most people are fulfilled in certain areas, but those areas where they lack are where they try to find that in other places. I wrote in an earlier blog post one of my 11 core concepts to relationship building is finish how you start. You’ve got to be consistent over the course of a relationship.
Tip #2: Have a QRA. (Quarterly Relationship Assessment) Every 3 months approximately, have a 2 day getaway where you and your spouse get a room, or maybe you hang out at the house, or go out by yourselves. NO kids, NO distractions, NO phones or social media. Take off work for the weekend if you have to. Have a nice dinner and set aside time for some extra red light special sex that first night. Then sit down and talk about where your relationship stands the 2nd night. Then after the QRA, work on improving the issues that came up, and try to resolve them over time. People often don’t communicate as well as they should, and a QRA solves this issue.
Tip #3: Work to stay in some kind of shape. Once people are in long committed relationships or marriages, they love the person they are with, even after kids, or extra curves. But don’t lose sight of the fact that people still want to be attracted to the person they are with. If you are overweight, get to the gym! Don’t listen to your single friends who tell you they need to accept you as you are. This may be true, but you need to get to the gym! There are always people out there really working on themselves, and when your spouse is maintaining and you aren’t, what do you think they are seeing when they work out? Then they come home and see you. Even though they love you and may not want to, trust me they are running a few comparisons in their head. If you’re always sitting on the couch, not eating right, always snacking, this is you. You want to stay somewhat appealing to your mate. We don’t always want to see you in head scarves, pajamas, and sloppy or obese. At least show you care about yourself. You only have one body in this life, and you want your spouse to still be attracted to you after years have gone by and you both develop some gray around those edges. Wear lingerie sometimes. Be sexy. Exploit your womanhood. Oooh that’s good right there. Exploit Your Womanhood. I think I’m going to write another blog post on that by itself. You women have lots of power, you just need to learn to harness it and use it in the right way. Don’t worry, I got you.
Tip #4: Make time for sex. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that women use sex as a tool to get what they want. The truth of the matter is that if you don’t make time, he’s going to get it from somewhere else eventually. It is one of the primal urges that need to be satisfied on a semi-regular basis. As you get older it will change slightly, but don’t refuse your mate that love connection. And by God don’t be boring during sex. Go to an adult store, or watch some instructional You Tube videos, and they do have them. Find something to either spice it up, or if nothing else, just make sure you are giving them sex on a regular basis. If it’s been a month, it’s been too long. Really, if it’s been more than a couple of weeks without an intimate connection, or one of you touching the other, there is a problem. Fix it.
Tip #5: Don’t make excuses. After a while, excuses start to become boring and irritating. No one wants to hear excuses about why you couldn’t take out the trash, or why you didn’t wash the dishes 2 days in a row, or cut the yard, or wash the clothes. Just do your duty. Play your role and stop making excuses.
People love the exhilaration they get from being with someone different. It feels like driving a new car. Everyone’s signing up for that one. But they really want those things they experience with that other person from you. They want to feel that way with you again. Practice these tips and make it happen.
Here are a few other interesting observations from that same study. #11 is juicy and so true.
Observation #11: A cheater knows he’s hurting the woman he loves, tearing his family apart and sacrificing his honor.
A man may realize the negative impact on his wife, family and himself, but still continue an affair. How? “It’s all in the perception of the cheater,” says Orlando. “If he feels unwanted, undervalued and taken for granted, his personal needs of being wanted, valued and appreciated will win out.” – relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…Is Men.
Observation #12: The person who’s cheated on is not to blame.
Realize this: If your spouse is unfaithful, it’s not your fault, no matter what people say. “When a person cheats, they’re making a conscious choice to do it,” says Dr. Brosh. “The idea of being pushed into the arms of another woman is an expression, not a reality.” Orlando echoes this sentiment: “Men don’t cheat because of who she is; they cheat because of who they are not, and who you aren’t anymore” he says. “The ‘fault’ is that the signs of disconnection have been ignored by both parties.” – clinical psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD
These are a few ideas that you can implement right now to continue building a healthy relationship, and watch the transformation happen in your life.
Don’t forget to check out the short video or click below to check out my video coaching on this topic!
The area of relationships is such a major factor in people’s lives that it can affect their standard of living. That’s why I’ve devoted entire chapters to addressing these issues in my book. To get an in-depth guide to navigating relationships, check out my book, The Truth: Keeping it 100: The Blueprint to Relationships.
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