IN TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE FIND THEIR WAY TO LOVE AND THAT SPECIAL PERSON, YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND IF YOU AREN’T MARRIED, YOU’RE SINGLE.
I know this topic will garner a lot of different responses. There are lots of sayings about being with a person before you marry them. Some folks say “don’t let him get the milk for free.” And things like “If he gets the milk for free, why should he buy the cow?” You’ve heard the little phrases like that. In the grand scheme of things, you really can’t make demands, or place any expectations on someone who isn’t fully yours. Lots of people think if they have time vested, that they’re “together.” Keep in mind you aren’t “committed” until you aren’t single anymore. That means he put a ring on it.
HERE ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE OF THUMB:
- 1)IF YOU’VE BEEN IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP FOR 3+ YRS
- 2) IF YOU’RE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED
After 3 to 4 years, you should be looking at something long term. Now if you have discussed it with him and you both agree on the direction, then you can have that access. Just as he can have “free” access to the aforementioned “milk.”
Since we are in the era of the “Netflix and Chill,” single women have to realize that unless men have made a serious commitment to you, men don’t feel obligated to oblige any of your wishes. If you want to know why he doesn’t answer his phone every time you call, or why he added that new female friend on Facebook, then demand some type of serious commitment. If you’re just having fun, don’t expect to see his phone, have access to his social media, or ask for passwords to anything (emails or otherwise). He will think you’re out of line. And he truly isn’t obligated to give you any of that. I go over this in Chapter 2, The Prelude, of my book The Truth: keepin’ it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships in which I explain the types of women, and the categories they fall in. If you’re a pass the time chick, side-piece, booty call, you fall into this category. (Link for the book is at the bottom.)
Demands and ultimatums don’t work well with guys, so if he isn’t showing signs he wants to go long term, and that’s what you want, walk away from the situation and save yourself some time. There is nothing holding you there. This goes for if you have kids as well. Having a kid by a guy doesn’t entitle you to any of these personal things. It does however, entitle you to know who’s going to be around your kids, etc. But, that’s not a situation that you’re going to be able to control. So again, if you aren’t married, you’re single.
If you’re engaged, then I personally would share everything, because you’re planning on being open with your mate, and that would suggest that your intentions are genuine to be good to a person. But to each his own. Also keep in mind that just because he doesn’t let you see his phone, or give you his password, means that he’s dishonest. More to come on this in another blog.
“Give it its due diligence and respect your spouse or significant other’s personal time, space, and privacy. Now this doesn’t mean that if your spouse wants to see your phone, or check your social media, or your emails, that you shouldn’t let them. Marriages should be open, but one of the basic building blocks of any marriage is trust. It speaks volumes if you constantly have to “check” on what they are doing. If you constantly have to view their phone, ask who every friend they add on Facebook is, comment on who likes their picture, this is probably you. It’s not healthy. Just stop it. Don’t marry a person you can’t trust.
“It’s not healthy. Just stop it. Don’t marry a person you can’t trust.”
And respect their boundaries. Give them some private time. It’s healthy to be apart from each other sometimes. I will tell you that working in the oil and gas industry for a number of years, absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. You two are grown. There shouldn’t be a leash on each other, electronically or otherwise. Just act like adults, and respect each other. “That’s the sweet spot right there.”
Even in marriages I believe there should be some level of privacy, so for sure if you aren’t married you aren’t privied to any information they don’t want to share. Talk about serious commitment and see where it goes, but don’t expect to get the privileges that married folks get until he puts a ring on it.
If this is your fist time reading one of my blogs, I’m a relationship expert and coach, and I drop daily nuggets of wisdom on my Facebook and twitter pages. Simply type in #dailytipsbymario to check them all out.
Is he obligated to answer any of your questions?
If you aren’t married, then the simple answer is no. If you two are dating, then there probably should be some level of expectation there, but in truth and principle, he isn’t obligated to give you anything until you discuss it specifically or until he puts a ring on it. If you’re dating and haven’t talked about anything long term, he won’t feel obligated, and don’t expect it. If you’re friends with benefits, you definitely don’t get to ask any personal questions. I’m speaking from a man’s point of view here. There might be anything wrong with the questions you’re asking.
Its just the obligation to answer these questions in a man’s mind is usually reserved for wifey, or at the very least his fiance`. If you aren’t married, or engaged to be married, you generally can’t ask to see his phone, or ask where he’s been, or if he has another woman on the side. You have no status at this point. You can ask questions once you have status. Although I personally don’t have a problem with answering questions if I’m planning on being with the woman (and most men don’t), if I’m just having fun or fulfilling a purpose, you probably won’t be privy to those types of answers.
So strive to date with a purpose. This might be the highlight of this article. Date with a purpose. I don’t condone sleeping around but I am also not perfect, nor have I been an angel all my life and a perfect Christian. I understand the challenges with physical needs and all, but you must make sure you are someone’s priority. That means having an end goal to what you’re doing.
“Strive to date with a purpose.”
I want to help you start building a fresh brand new healthy relationship, or solidify and strengthen a seasoned one and watch that transformation in your life take place. These are a few ideas that you can implement right now to start building a healthy relationship.
The area of relationships is such a major factor in people’s lives that it can affect their standard of living. That’s why I’ve devoted entire chapters to addressing these issues in my book. To get an in-depth guide to navigating relationships, check out my book, The Truth: Keeping’ it 100: The Blueprint to Relationships.
I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!