Why do guys go for this type of arrangement?
We’ve all heard the phrase “friends with benefits” and I’m going to break down why we choose these type of situation-ships, and how you can avoid becoming part of one if that’s not your aim. We’re going to talk about Relationship Cost Opportunity.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP OPPORTUNITY COST
For single guys, when we are courting or dating, we have several different prospects. My wife told me yesterday when she and I first met, i had notes in my phone by all the different women so I could remember who they were. It was so funny. I didn’t even remember that. But men do categorize women and we weigh the cost opportunity of choosing you vs. choosing Sarah, because we don’t mind being committed, but we don’t want to waste time, money, or resources if you aren’t the right one. This is why it takes men longer to make a decision on things like marriage and entering long committed relationships.
What if we choose wrong? What if we could’ve had a much better life choosing Sarah rather than choosing you? What did we miss out on? What are you currently doing with your life? These are questions we ask ourselves, and rightly so. And in addition to that, if we do choose you, we are constantly evaluating whether we made a good decision, or if we’re stuck with a bad one we made. We weigh this stuff in our head whether it’s cheaper to keep you or dismiss you, how much of a headache it will be if we do dismiss you, and if it will be worth it to stay. There is a lot going on there you probably didn’t even realize.
I’ve done some research in preparation for writing my 3rd book Staying 100, and there are a few interesting facts. First, people on average lose about 4 years of their life when they get divorced. Men aren’t afraid of investing time, money, and resources or sacrificing things for their woman. But they are severely frightened and terribly afraid of investing all that in the wrong woman. What will we have to show for that huge mistake in evaluating the cost opportunity of one woman vs. the next? Maybe 18 years of child support, maybe spousal support, and maybe 4 years of our life that we might lose on average from the divorce.
Not to mention half of everything we’ve worked our entire lives to build. And to think we wasted it on a woman who’s opportunity cost wasn’t comparable to another woman we could have chosen. Do you see how important this is for us men? I hope this helps to recognize what we go through when we are selecting a woman to spend our life with. It’s a very serious decision.
A few things to remember…
A few facts to realize are in order though. We are always evaluating the opportunity cost. You’ll hear me use a lot of business terms in some of my conversation because it seems they are closely related to relationships. Cost opportunity is defined as the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen. To break that down in relationship terms, a guy evaluates what he will gain or lose by deciding to choose you over the other women he is dating. Here are some reasons we will decide to choose a “friends with benefits” situation over a steady relationship.
- If he isn’t ready to settle down
- Just got out of a bad relationship
- Enjoying dating at the current time and the freedom that comes with it
- He needs to satisfy a physical urge while he is trying to decide
- At the time a man may not have his life together (for instance he may not be where he wants in life) He might not have the career, transportation or residence he wants.
- He wants to have some companionship, but he doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone or be accountable to anyone yet
- He just wants to be a player at the current moment
- He’s Greedy
- He really likes more than one woman he’s dating and it’s hard to decide (they both may have several great quality traits and it can be truly hard to decide)
- He doesn’t want to be promiscuous but he just wants to hang out with one person at the moment, even if it’s only for friendship and companionship for a while.
I know this stinks and the situation can be a rotten one at times. But that’s the way it is. I’m just trying to equip you with tools and knowledge so you can recognize these different situations, and avoid them. I am more mature now, but every man goes through this stage in his life. You have to be ready if he isn’t ready to settle down yet.
I get really, really detailed about this specific topic in Chapter 5 of my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The chapter is titled “The Good Man.” The premise of the chapter is to point out that although a man may have home training, be successful, and have manners, and may be chivalrous, he is still a man and still has a time in his life when he will consider this type of relationship, or isn’t ready to settle down.
You can avoid becoming a friend with benefits if you follow a few tips. I already mentioned them in previous blog posts but i’ll include a few here.
TIPS TO PREVENT YOU FROM BECOMING THE “FRIEND”
- Look at what he does more than you listen to what he says. it should match up.
- don’t enter into short term arrangements if you know you want something long term
- don’t think you can change a man’s mind
- set some boundaries at the onset
- if he says he just wants to have fun, run!
- Don’t have casual sex. This is confusing for you. Men already know they want to have casual sex, and they’ll do so as long as you let them. They probably won’t refuse it in any case if you make the move or let him.
- Demand respect
- look at it for what it really is, even if he’s a gentleman about it (I used to be really good at this)
- Keep a Bible in the middle console of your car, or in your bed when you aren’t in it. (He’ll have to reach over it to kiss you or move it to have sex with you) My pastor mentioned this joking one Sunday in one of his sermons. These days though, guys don’t care. (Well some guys don’t).
I’m laughing at that last one but you get the idea. Sometimes for single men, I will admit having “friends with benefits” can be like having your cake and eating it too. But you don’t have to choose to be this woman. You do have a choice.
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I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!