Is your relationship in jeopardy?
Most of us meet someone, we date or hookup, then we’re off to the races. What happens five years down the line? What happens 10 years down the line? After kids, career, and routine sets in? I’ll tell you what happens. It seems the relationship seems to lose its luster. It’s mostly an issue with time, and complacency. Simply put, people get complacent over time. The routine of life sets in.
“Relationships take a lot of hard work, maintenance, and consistency. And just like anything else, we have to give an effort to maintain.”
We all love to be in love. But somewhere along the line complications present themselves. Most of the time we fail to keep up the “maintenance” a relationship requires. I’m also just as guilty as the rest of us. Life gets crowded sometimes, and that required maintenance gets overlooked, pushed back, and neglected. If you don’t change the oil in your car, the engine will lock up. I’ve done that too. Just like cars, relationships have to have those gears greased, you have to keep giving those back rubs, and date nights, and foot massages, and cooking and cleaning, and whatever it is you used to do.
I see a lot of people quit when they feel they’ve got the person. They start to believe they’re irreplaceable. (Didn’t we learn from Beyonce` that everyone is replaceable?) Don’t you remember when you first met? Remember when that person used to give you butterflies? What were you doing then that you aren’t doing now? Figure out what you love about relationships and continue doing that. For a refresher, you can read another good article I’ve written, Does your partner still give you butterflies? from another post where I go into a little more detail about getting the flame back, and keeping the flame lit with your partner.
In football, players revealed the only reason they drop the ball when they get paid all that money to catch a football is because they take their eyes off the primary goal, which is catching the ball. They lose focus on what’s most important and sometimes that’s what we do in our relationships. We lose sight and lose focus of the most important things that will help our relationships grow. Sometimes we just flat out get tired of the person. Is that you? We’ve all been there. If you’ve spent any significant amount of time with a member of the opposite sex, you too have fallen victim to this phenomenon. We’re wired differently. Anyway, the moral was to keep your eyes on the prize.
A really good prevention guide for this is in another article I’ve written. We are talking about root cause here, so read The Truth Revealed, Why People Cheat or Have Affairs. It has 5 tips that are spot on for preventing relationships from spiraling out of control. But just for a refresher, here they are.
- Don’t get complacent
- Have a QRA quarterly
- Work to stay in some kind of shape
- Make time for sex
- Don’t make excuses
These simple things are where a lot of us get caught up at. Check out that article where I go in depth on those 5. Since almost all of my writing is about preventive maintenance, I had come up with 11 core concepts to relationship building. Guess what was first on the list? You guessed it. Finish the way you begin. I even went into depth on that first core concept in the article 6 key ideas to great relationships. This is truly important. No one gets into a relationship at the beginning and hope it fails! We all hope it works out don’t we?
“Don’t lose focus. Stay the course and you’ll win.”
In a brief recap from the article 6 key ideas to great relationships, I talk about first impressions. They are important because they set the bar for where you at the very least have to remain. You can’t start buying her flowers or giving him oral sex on the regular or rubbing his feet, or giving her back rubs, and then somewhere along the way decide once you get them, its over. If you were a sexual beast in bed when you met, and you wore lingerie, don’t stop doing that. (If you’ve gained some weight, see #3 from the list above)
That’s why people cheat, and relationships fall apart. These things you do in the beginning is where you plant seeds. And they are necessary to properly maintain it. Your partner will expect those same things 5, 10, and 20 years down the road. If you were 150lbs. when he met you, and now you’re close to 200 or 300lbs., get to the gym. I go over all these things in my book. But you should check out that full article. In that article, I also go over 3 key areas never to change. One of them, and the most important one in regards to this topic, is consistency.
So why exactly do we stop doing those things that made us fall so desperately in love?
The chase is over. Once you’ve got them, we seem to lose the desire of the chase. We get tired. We get “comfortable.” We feel safe. We think we are irreplaceable. We should learn from history. We should learn from our mistakes. We should learn from Beyonce’s songs (I don’t know about you but I thought that was pretty funny). We should know that all those things I just mentioned are the enemies to a healthy relationship. We all know that sometimes you’re dead tired. Sometimes life puts so much on you, these little small preventive maintenance relationship tips aren’t priority. Then years pass, that small crack turns into a severe fracture, and your relationship is in trouble then. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
QUESTION 8: Why do we stop doing the things that made us fall so desperately in love in the first place?
Complacency. Simply put. Weeds grow into huge plants when you don’t cut them or pull them. The same happens in relationships when you forget to do the same things to keep the person that you did when you initially met them. Here’s what some thought.
Reality hits, kids, work, house, bills and routine. The same routine can make things boring. Have to keep working at it and doing new things. –Retha 34
Because “life” takes over and people get lazy when it comes to making an effort. We get comfortable and expect the least to be enough! EVERY relationship needs to be nourished one way or another. Never take anyone for granted -Tameka 24
Things change. You are not young spring chickens anymore. Kids come into play, business, work… Life! –Cedalia T 39
That’s a good one. Nowadays people don’t put in work for a relationship. They talk for a few days then they are in the bed, and after that it’s over. But I can’t really say. Because when I am personally in a relationship I never change. If I start a relationship a certain way, I’ll be the same way throughout. Maybe that’s why relationships change. Because once a person is comfortable and you switch up it may seem as if the relationship changes as well. However, change is always good. -Shelia 27
Even though life takes its toll, it is most important that people pay attention in their marriages and relationships. Sometimes we have to make time for each other. And we’ve got to play our role every day, little by little, and with purpose.
“Do the same things to keep the person that you did when you initially met them.”
Tameka put it perfectly when she said “people get lazy when it comes to making an effort. We get comfortable and expect the least to be enough! EVERY relationship needs to be nourished! Don’t take anyone for granted.”
And those my good people, are words to live by.
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I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click below. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.
We waste that much on a few coffees at Starbucks, or a few Mocha Frappe’s at McDonald’s. It’s so worth it to get this inside information. I didn’t spill all the beans in this article. I just hit the tip of the iceberg. Click below to check the book out in any one of these locations.
The book lays out a blueprint and guide in different areas you should inspect. Here is an overview of what the book discusses.
- The Introduction and Prelude to Relationships– lays out the groundwork and different types of people there are. If you can recognize what type you are, you’ll be able to make a better selection, and maybe work on areas you might not be so strong in.
- The Basics– basically about being a gentlemen, and if you’re a lady, having some class.
- Standards– set some realistic expectations before you start, and hold the person accountable to those standards, but don’t overdo it.
- The Good Man– probably the most insightful chapter. This reveals the truth about a good man, what to expect, and how to deal with him.
- The Strong Woman– self-assessing and looking in the mirror to make yourself a stronger woman.
- Baggage Claim– anything extra our past experiences have placed on us that might make us bitter, or make it hard for us to trust.
- Sex and Intimacy– self explanatory
- Confidence and Attitude– develop your swag. The opposite sex notices.
- The Round Table– social media and its effects on relationships, who you should confide in about your relationship, and other various topics that need to be addressed.
- Graduation– learning to conquer all your insecurities and moving forward to triumph in your relationship. Focusing on the things that matter most.
I hope this brought you value and as always, I appreciate you taking the time to read it! There’s a free downloadable PDF that outlines the meat of this article and the tips you can use to prevent you from becoming that type of friend. You don’t want to be the friend with benefits with no real intentions for future growth.
I want to help you start building a healthy relationship, and watch a transformation take place in your life.
Relationships affect everyone. If you have an argument or disagreement with a spouse or partner, it could cause you to have a bad day. And when you have a truly special moment, you could feel like you’re on cloud nine all day!
I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!