Before we start down this road, I know you might have objections…
I have to tell you to get out there and take some action! There is no forward progress without action. Now I know some of you have been dating for a while, may be upset about the current selection of eligible bachelors, or might just be plain tired of looking, dating or waiting to be “found.” To those of you who are in that situation, I say to you get out there!
You’ve been hurt? You’ve been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, or deceived? Welcome to the club. You’re not alone. But you can’t close yourself up in your shell and become a hermit. So, since I knew some of you might find this part of getting back out there less than appealing, I’ve already got a fix and a solution in place for you. Ready? Here it is.
Some of you might have been let down from failed relationships, or any of the other things I’ve mentioned above. If you find it hard to get back out there and take action, or if you’re trying to figure out how to deal with the letdown of a previous failed relationship, I’ve got 6 tips to help you cope and 5 specific mindset shifts to go through before you decide to start dating again with these 6 places. The article is aptly titled “How to deal with the letdown of a failed relationship.” Go ahead and read that, then come back to this one when you’re ready to go out again. But to sum it up for you, I’ll list them here briefly then we can move on.
6 tips to help you cope and move on
- Give yourself some grace
- Don’t ever quit or give up
- Give yourself time to heal
- forgive and move forward
- do things that make you feel good
- focus on things you can do by yourself
I won’t go into detail here, because I’ve already written an entire article on this stuff. So this is just a quick refresher. To read the full article: How to deal with the letdown of a failed relationship. The solutions to helping you get over the letdowns, the disappointments and pain of your last interaction are all there.
The 5 Mindset Shifts
- Action (Getting back out there)
This is probably a good one to read no matter what to prepare you to get back out there in any case. Those mindset shifts are powerful!
I currently work offshore in the oil and gas industry, and since I’ve written my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The blueprint to relationships I’ve made it a habit to ask people who work in this industry questions about their relationships after I’ve established some sort of rapport with them. In one of these discussions, I met with Ms. Kathy. Ms. Kathy is about 56 years old, and she happened to be single. I had asked her some questions from a poll about some information i was trying to get for my next book.
After the questions I asked her was there a question she wanted to know the answer to that hadn’t been answered yet. I had already told her I had written a relationship book, and she asked me this question:
Where can I go to meet a decent man these days?
Further inquiries from various other women at different age points also had the same question. They asked where could they go to meet a decent man.
Ms. Kathy particularly mentioned she had already tried the clubs, bars, and she also briefly mentioned she also tried meeting men in the church but she stated they were almost as bad as the others she had encountered. So I sat down and really dissected this question and started keeping my eyes open for the answer to this. I found 6 different ideas about places a person could meet a quality partner. I did think outside the box a bit so some of these might come as a surprise to you. Now Ms. Kathy is a 56-year-old white woman. That has some merit here because I don’t often hear women her age talking like she talked.
She was full of life and seemed like she was ready for action. (I mean she was full of life) She reminded me of a 30 something divorced woman who was now free from a man she married in high school, and knew nothing or no one else. She felt she had missed something from her youth all those years she was tied down. That’s what Ms. Kathy reminded me of. It’s kind of funny now that I think about it.
Now this doesn’t mean that there aren’t good guys at bars or clubs. I used to club when I was younger and I still treated women with respect. Even the ones who were promiscuous and no good. It’s just the way I was raised. That southern hospitality I guess. And yes, I still ended up getting involved with some of the ones who weren’t worth anything because I’m a man, and that’s what men do. I said that to say that not all men you meet at the club are going to be bad guys, but at that point in their life, if they’re clubbing, they are just looking to meet people women and have fun. It’s probably not for the long-term. So that wouldn’t be a place you’d look for something long term. If you’re looking to have fun, that’s probably where you can go to do just that. Conversely all men who go to church aren’t always good either. These days you just have to keep in mind that people come in all different shapes and sizes, and there is no guarantee about anything until you tie the knot. Even these days that isn’t so surefire or lock tight.
In one article I wrote, I remember saying there is no guarantee that any relationship is going to work out. You’re taking a chance each and every time you decide to meet someone new. So we must keep that in the front of our thoughts and our minds. Even though the places I mention will probably give you a better selection, there is still a time when men, even good ones want to play the field and aren’t ready to settle down. With that said, let’s get into these places you can meet a good viable candidate. (More than likely)
- Church I’ll start with this one because I happened to see two sides of the coin. Ms. Kathy felt the guys in church were just as bad as the guys she had met in bars or clubs. Deacon White is still a man, and men still have desires that sometimes get them in trouble. They can still be obnoxious in cases, and the fact they go to church doesn’t negate that fact. While this may be true in some cases, I do feel that a single’s ministry in a good church is a great way to meet a quality partner. Let’s take a few things into consideration. I’m talking about a single’s ministry, not the general population of the church. In a single’s ministry, those people are there because they are also looking for other quality people who are aligned with the values they have.
“You have to be available to be found. No one can meet you or find you if you’re always sitting at home.”
So they usually want to find someone who is spiritual and most likely will have a lot of the same values as they do. Don’t rule this one out. Notice I said a good faithful church with a good single’s ministry. I am a preacher’s kid. I bet you didn’t know that about me did you? Maybe you did. My two youngest brothers are ministers. But, there was a time in my past where I really did just be carefree and I was being a young adult man in America. Ya’ll know what that means. Does that mean I am a bad guy or was a bad guy? Of course not. Mama raised me right but I still had that time when I was doing what I thought was fun. I was doing what I wanted to do.
2.The Gym This one has two up sides. One, they are in shape. Two, there are multiple groups of both single men and women at gyms. So you’ll have a larger selection. This is a general statement. It’s better odds in larger metropolitan cities. You probably won’t get these results in Joe’s backwood weights and bodybuilding in Small Town, USA. I know because I have a gym membership at one of the nation’s largest chains, and I see it all the time. I haven’t met one obnoxious woman or man there yet. I see people court all the time. Heck some women flirt with me. One woman told me, “Nice plank!” It was funny I laughed it off, but you get the idea. The people there already have similar goals.
- For one, they consider their physical health a priority because if you know like I know, gym memberships are not cheap.
- Everyone seems to respect each other, and more than that,
- gym memberships cost money, so most likely a majority of these people are also employed because how else are they going to pay for it?
I said most. So that’s actually 3 reasons to try to meet someone at the gym. Be polite and respectful. (For instance don’t interrupt them during a set. Wait until they are in between sets or they take their headphones off then make your move)
3. Target This one might sound funny, but let’s examine it. Where do most people shop when they need groceries, or tires, or anything else? Wal-Mart probably right? But I’ve noticed that at times, Walmart is just like a mini-club. Ya’ll might not feel me on that one but just take my word for it. People who shop at Target for one probably value their time more. Here’s why. Walmart is always packed, and it’s because its cheaper. Target is more expensive. People shop there because they value their time. They don’t want to spend all day standing in long lines, and they most likely don’t mind that it’s more expensive. There will be a different caliber person there (when we are talking about viable candidates). A person who doesn’t mind paying more for something of better quality probably looks at life in general that way also. You will never find Target packed. They have more high-end items, and generally a better caliber person shops there in regards to someone to date. This is actually philosophical and psychological in nature. When you keep your eye open you’ll see a lot of single upper echelon people shop there, and to avoid the hassle, they just go to Target. Just start paying attention next time you’re in there.
4. Upscale Lounges A lounge is akin to a bar or club, but with a much more elegant, luxurious or exquisite atmosphere. What am I saying? A guy or gal who hangs out in one of these places isn’t likely there to be obnoxious. They will likely be at a minimum someone who likes quality. Establishments who set codes like an upscale place does usually doesn’t have knuckleheads or low quality people attending the joint. I just turned 35, so when I’m looking for somewhere for either me or both me and my wife to go, I’m always looking for places with a dress code, or with “upscale” in it’s title, because that’s the type of spot I expect “upscale” people to hang out at. Nine times out of ten you can do well at this type of place. You do still have to be careful though because drinks are still sold, and you may still ignore some things if you’ve had a few drinks. If you’re a young adult, then you’ll be in good company, and not too many people in your age range will be there so you won’t have to worry about folks who don’t know how to act.
5. Comedy Shows A comedy show is a good place to find lots of nicely dressed people in abundance. For some reason, even though most comedy clubs I know don’t have dress codes, I often see a lot of people dressed to impress when they go there. Why is that? For one, there are tons of single men and women that go to these shows. Even though most places don’t say “you can’t wear tennis shoes in here,” I rarely see people looking like bums at these shows. For a long time taking your partner to a comedy show has somewhat had a connotation with prestige. Here is the other thing. Usually the entry fee can be a bit pricey, and they require you to buy at least two items with a certain percentage gratuity. At the end of the night, the bill is going to be at least a little over $100.
“Keep your mind open to fresh new opportunities.”
What does that mean? For people who don’t have their stuff together, they won’t often be going to a comedy show because it’s expensive to go there, and more than likely they won’t have an outfit that would be suitable. They aren’t thinking that way. Now I see people in tennis shoes and shorts sometimes there. But for the vast majority, everyone looks nice. For a single man or woman, a comedy show is a gold mine. But I can’t say much for if they’re obnoxious or not, but when my wife and I go, men and women are always giving us compliments. Grown folks do that kind of stuff. Kids and immature folks don’t do stuff like that. I almost never see really young 18-year-olds in those shows. I could go into that more but we’ll get on to number 6. Go to the late show. Kids can’t hang out there.
6. Online Now, contrary to popular belief, online sites are very effective at narrowing down the field. But let’s get some of the objections out-of-the-way. First, some people won’t look like their profile picture. But the rate for that is low actually. Besides that most people should vet them a little before accepting a date with them. Here’s what I mean by vetting the candidate. Wherever you meet them, whether on Facebook, or a dating site, most people have multiple social profiles. So you either google or name search their other profiles to see what they’re about. I go into a bit of detail about this in Chapter 10, The Round Table in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100. If you want to read about it, you can read it in my book(page 117-119).
Now online anything has become the norm with today’s population. People can say what they want, but just like you use the internet as a tool to find out information, you can do the same with vetting potential candidates. If you’re older, you still can’t tell me you don’t use some kind of social media. There are 1 billion people on Facebook as of a few years ago. Which means a lot of older people are on Facebook. I could google that but i’ll continue. There are some steps you can take to see if a person could be a viable candidate. I’ll sum it up for you.
- check out multiple social profiles to see if they match
- ask questions you would ask if you were in person (to get it out-of-the-way before you meet them)
- make sure their actions align with their words
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I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click HERE. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.
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The book lays out a blueprint and guide in different areas you should inspect. Here is an overview of what the book discusses.
- The Introduction and Prelude to Relationships– lays out the groundwork and different types of people there are. If you can recognize what type you are, you’ll be able to make a better selection, and maybe work on areas you might not be so strong in.
- The Basics– basically about being a gentlemen, and if you’re a lady, having some class.
- Standards– set some realistic expectations before you start, and hold the person accountable to those standards, but don’t overdo it.
- The Good Man– probably the most insightful chapter. This reveals the truth about a good man, what to expect, and how to deal with him.
- The Strong Woman– self-assessing and looking in the mirror to make yourself a stronger woman.
- Baggage Claim– anything extra our past experiences have placed on us that might make us bitter, or make it hard for us to trust.
- Sex and Intimacy– self explanatory
- Confidence and Attitude– develop your swag. The opposite sex notices.
- The Round Table– social media and its effects on relationships, who you should confide in about your relationship, and other various topics that need to be addressed.
- Graduation– learning to conquer all your insecurities and moving forward to triumph in your relationship. Focusing on the things that matter most.
I want to help you start building a healthy relationship, and watch a transformation take place in your life.
Relationships affect everyone. If you have an argument or disagreement with a spouse or partner, it could cause you to have a bad day. And when you have a truly special moment, you could feel like you’re on cloud nine all day!
I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!
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