Are you Obligated to Return Favors for your Partner?

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The Background

Originally this question was strictly about sexual favors. But then I started thinking. How often is this simple concept carried over to other areas of our relationships? So many people are about themselves. That is one of the primary reasons relationships don’t work out for the better.

I’m sure you’ve heard people tell others they are self-centered. This is exactly what we’re talking about here. Never mind the question you’ll read further down. It’s about thinking of someone other than yourself. Of course the most important thing we have to remember is that it can’t be a lone ranger in a relationship. Someone is going to get tired, upset, irritated, and neglected.

If I never ask my wife if she needs help with anything, or can I rub her feet, or can I stimulate her and give her pleasure orally, how can I expect that in return? That would make me a very selfish person. So the question is really are you selfish? A lot of us are. Some of it has to do with being taken advantage of in the past. Sometimes the mentality is like I’m going to get mine since they’re going to get theirs. It’s about asking what can I do for you instead if asking what you can do for me. And we wonder why there are so many failing relationships.

The Interview and the background story

Originally I sat down with a guy who was married to interview him about something totally unrelated, and we got to talking about his specific situation. He mentioned that he was always giving his wife foot rubs, back rubs, always asking her what he could do to help, and was always willing to go down on her sexually. Then he said one day he had a discussion with his wife, and he said, “Hun, I love you but it seems lately I’ve been going out of my way to make sure you’re okay, but it doesn’t seem like you have had the same mindset.” He went on to tell her how she used to rub his chest, and was a bit more aggressive sexually in her past.

He said they used to go at it a lot, and the sex was still good, and they still kept up with it regularly, but in the bedroom she seemed only to worry about herself. He primarily brought it up because he mentioned she used to go down on him a lot when they had first met, and she was more sexually vigorous in the beginning. I kind of saw where it was going. It reminds me of another article I wrote about being complacent. As a matter of fact, that specifically would apply here. (Read Why do we stop doing the things that made us fall in love?)

Anyway he said she was always ready to receive her share, always ready to be serviced, but never ready to serve. And that’s a note to you ladies here. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. Consistency is key. If you started off going down on him, don’t try to stop that once you’ve got that ring on your finger. She told him she liked to be “chased” and it thrilled her when he came after her. It let her know she was still desirable.

Something to remember…

Even if men don’t say it, we want to feel wanted too. We want to know you still want us and that you still desire us, and that you still want to please us as well. It should never be one-sided in relationships. And least of all, in the bedroom. If all you ever worry about is your orgasm, there are some serious frustrations and possible infidelity coming your way.

The weird thing about this is that most times men are accused of being selfish in this area. Needless to say, it should be a mutual aim to satisfy. If you are only about yourself, you don’t belong in a relationship. Remember men harbor their emotions sometimes, but suffer silently.

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QUESTION 9: IF YOU GET ORAL PLEASURE FROM YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE, DO YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO RETURN THE FAVOR?

This question was sure to elicit a bunch of nos from the women, but I think in general, people who appreciate their mate will go out of their way to do the same as long as it’s reciprocated. And everyone has different preferences, likes and dislikes. Here are a few people’s responses.

A boy wants oral sex all the time and is self-centered, while a man wants to make love to you and make you climax until you get tired… –Kimberly 34

No one should feel forced to do anything. If they feel forced they won’t want to do it. Do it because you want to not because you expect something in return. That is love -Heather 31

Oral sex isn’t a requirement to be in a relationship. Yes, it’s something that everyone wants. But it’s not a necessity. If you have that understanding in your relationship that when you have sex nothing is off limits, then why not? Do it all to keep your spouse happy that way he or she won’t have to go out to get it from someone else. –Tiffanie 28

I, and only I, am responsible for my body and actions! There should never be pressure or expectancy as it kills love and can be frustrating. Of course if it is never reciprocated then there is an underlying issue that needs to be resolved. If you are a loving couple and living in a healthy relationship without physical/mental issues that hinder you from “performing,” you naturally want intimacy and enjoy sex with your partner. Experimenting is a way of gaining further trust and Knowledge about each other. -Janet Wilson, 35 Germany

So, are you obligated to return favors for your partner?

No. No one is obligated to do anything. but if you’re in a relationship, and you really want it to work, you won’t be a selfish jerk. I couldn’t really find a better word to fit there. But we should start asking how we can be of service. If we go into any situation with that particular attitude, the positive reactions and outcomes are endless.

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No matter the situation, it is my opinion that relationships cannot be one sided. My research and others’ research also proves that to have longevity, reciprocation is required. No one should feel forced, but if you’re always receiving and never giving, you cannot expect reciprocation although some are okay with it. Each couple has to have that discussion. I agree with Janet that you should naturally want intimacy and enjoy sex with your partner in all aspects.

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I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click HERE. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.

We waste that much on a few coffees at Starbucks, or a few Mocha Frappe’s at McDonald’s. It’s so worth it to get this inside information. I didn’t spill all the beans in this article. I just hit the tip of the iceberg. Click below to check the book out in any one of these locations.

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The book lays out a blueprint and guide in different areas you should inspect. Here is an overview of what the book discusses.

  • The Introduction and Prelude to Relationships– lays out the groundwork and different types of people there are. If you can recognize what type you are, you’ll be able to make a better selection, and maybe work on areas you might not be so strong in.
  • The Basics– basically about being a gentlemen, and if you’re a lady, having some class.
  • Standards– set some realistic expectations before you start, and hold the person accountable to those standards, but don’t overdo it.
  • The Good Man– probably the most insightful chapter. This reveals the truth about a good man, what to expect, and how to deal with him.
  • The Strong Woman– self-assessing and looking in the mirror to make yourself a stronger woman.
  • Baggage Claim– anything extra our past experiences have placed on us that might make us bitter, or make it hard for us to trust.
  • Sex and Intimacy– self explanatory
  • Confidence and Attitude– develop your swag. The opposite sex notices.
  • The Round Table– social media and its effects on relationships, who you should confide in about your relationship, and other various topics that need to be addressed.
  • Graduation– learning to conquer all your insecurities and moving forward to triumph in your relationship. Focusing on the things that matter most.

I want to help you start building a healthy relationship, and watch a transformation take place in your life.

Relationships affect everyone. If you have an argument or disagreement with a spouse or partner, it could cause you to have a bad day. And when you have a truly special moment, you could feel like you’re on cloud nine all day!

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I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!

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