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I was speaking to one of my good friends, and she and I have a mutual friend. My barber actually is a mutual friend of ours, and both my barber and she are single. We all got into a conversation about the pros and cons of being single, and this is how she described dating. She said dating as an adult is like digging through a dumpster and choosing the least disgusting thing. It was a bit comedic but I realized that dating can be a hassle in today’s pool of eligible bachelors. But, it doesn’t have to be as bad as we make it. Im going to introduce some things you can use to make the process easier, while getting what you want by focusing on three key areas.
3 Key Areas to Focus on
First impressions are everything. They set the stage for how a person will deal with you, which direction they want to go, and how they will follow up with you after that initial meeting. There are keys to first impressions, and we will focus on 3 areas.
- How You Dress
- How you Talk (your conversational skills and tone)
- Boundaries You Set
I’m going to mention a sidebar here, I was watching this show called love at first kiss. So a man and a woman would meet in a room, have a kiss, and that would determine if they had a 2 minute speed date, then show up for an actual real date. It was kind of comical to be honest, but one of the young ladies after the first kiss, chose to meet up with the guy for the sort of second date. It was a 2 minute speed dating session or something like that but at the end of that, he wanted to try and kiss her again and she pulled back and said, “I’m not ready for that.”
Immediately it made the guy want her even more. So when they met up for the actual date, you can see how she set the bar for what her standard was. During the date she told him she doesn’t even kiss until at least the 3rd to the 5th date. And she only did it because that was the premise of the show, but I’m talking standards here. And I could tell when she met him for their date, he didn’t push all up on her close.
At the end of the date they interviewed him and he said, “I like the fact she had class and played hard to get and set those boundaries. I really respect that and it made me want her even more.” Thats what Im saying to ya’ll. Set those boundaries. Okay, end of sidebar. Again, I said the 3 areas we’re going to focus on that are keys to first impressions are how you dress, how you talk and your conversational tone, and the boundaries you set. I’ll break each one down for you. I know you’ll dig that.
HOW YOU DRESS
When I was having fun back in my younger days, around my early twenties, I used to go out a lot. I used to visit several different types of night life establishments. I used to travel the world and see what their night life had to offer in several different countries. One thing I noticed myself doing in almost every one of those situations is basically labeling different women in my mind. To elaborate a little further, based on how they dressed, how provocative there wardrobe was, how short their skirt was, how “flashy” they were, how friendly they were, and how much cleavage they showed, I gave them a sort of grade on which ones I thought would be easiest to bed, and which ones looked to be of most class.
And I scoped them out and basically came up with a game plan in my mind of who i would court first, how i would approach them, and so forth. This was all based on what they were wearing and these few other factors I’ve mentioned. Most men do that. When they meet someone for the first time, what you wear says a lot.
If you’re a woman of class and want to be treated that way, dress like it. I’ve had the conversation with women that men should respect a lady no matter how she’s dressed. Though I agree with it, I have to throw up the flag in some cases. Let’s take a few places I’ve been stationed, and a few places I’ve visited. In Florida, in places like Jacksonville and Miami, with what those women had on, there was no way any of it immediately screamed class. It didn’t scream easy either, but I mean it was bare bones there.
They looked lovely but until I had time to actually hit on the second area (conversational skills), I couldn’t tell. Lots of them showed a lot of cleavage, a lot of legs, and basically left nothing to the imagination. Now I’m not taking anything away from them, some of them were lovely. A majority of them were very attractive, but I did realize looks can be deceiving. You have to make the look up to par with how you want a guy to initially see you. The same is true of men, except there isn’t that complex criteria involved. But they can mess up a first impression by wearing dirty shoes, or t-shirts. There’s nothing there that says sophisticated. And even if you aren’t, you have to dress the part. So I’ve come up with a sort of dress code.
- for men- collared, button up shirt, and clean shoes. pretty simple.
- for women-nice dress that covers up most of your body but accentuates your curves.
This leaves something to the imagination, but doesn’t reveal too much.
I have a dating tips worksheet from my flagship course the Relationship Bootcamp starter I’m going to give you as a free download. I know everyone wants to look nice when they go out. But you have to determine if you want to be approached like an easy catch, or a woman of class. Very short skirts, a lot of cleavage, and showing a lot of leg is very sexy, but it sends the wrong signal. Most men think that means easy, and it screams “I want attention” and lots of it. Figure out what you’re going for, and dress the part.
HOW YOU TALK & CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS
Men are not so much into conversation as women are. But, no one wants a person who has no “chill.” You want to come off as intelligent and classy, but not easy or conceited. You want to be easy to talk to. The way you can do it is by implementing a few tips to help. If you’re accomplished, don’t toot your own horn to much. Even if people are giving individuals, and they have worked hard, they will come off as narcissistic if all they talk about is themselves and their accomplishments. You also don’t want to come off as if you don’t have any smarts or common sense either. You want to be right there in the middle. Even if you don’t take any crap, you can do that in a way that you don’t come off as combative or argumentative, or thinking you’re “too much.”
Try to ask thoughtful questions and let them talk to show that you’re not all about yourself, even if you are. You’ll learn a few things too. Mention what you want in a conversational tone and indirectly address issues or questions you may have and listen to their answers. Watch your conversational tone and avoid sounding like you’re complaining, talking down to the person, and avoid sounding irritated during the conversation, even if their conversational skills aren’t where they need to be. That will just give you an indication that there won’t be another conversation afterwards.
Here are 4 questions to ask that will give you the answers you need.
- What do you do?
- Where do you see yourself in the next 6 months to a year?
- What are you looking for?
- Have you gotten into anything serious in the past 6 months?
These are just a few. I go really in depth on these in another blog post, How to Say What you Want without Coming on too strong. That applies when you’re on a date. So to recap:
- don’t toot your own horn too much
- let them talk
- ask thoughtful questions
- watch your conversational tone
BOUNDARIES YOU SET
I used to be stationed in Jacksonville, Florida. When I frequented those night clubs, I learned a lot of things. I learned how to approach a woman correctly, and how to look like an idiot approaching them incorrectly and disrespectful. One thing I liked is when I talked to a women who was dressed very nice, but left a lot to the imagination, had a great conversation with them, and also let me know how to handle her with confidence. During the conversation, she let me know exactly that she wasn’t easy, and she would appreciate if I didn’t come at her like she was.
She then said it was hard to find decent guys, and too many of them had just come to her asking for sex. I respected that confidence and boldness, because she didn’t say it with an attitude or like she was irritated, although I’m sure she was. Early on, if I was thinking about just trying to pursue sex, she immediately dispelled that notion in my head because she set a boundary by telling me what she was not. It’s great when you set boundaries. That sets a line you won’t let people cross, and you can immediately dismiss them when they do cross it after you’ve set that boundary. Don’t be afraid to say what you want. Do it in a pleasant tone, and be firm with it. So when I say boundaries, here are some examples.
- no groping or touching the first time you meet
- no kissing or sexual gestures the first time we meet
- call me by my name and not by anything else (shawty, other disrespectful names young guys often use to “holler” at women)
- lady or miss or maam is acceptable if they don’t know your name
I’ve included a Dating tips checklist from my course The Relationship Bootcamp Starter Course. It has tips on what to do and what not to do on a first date, and a mini dress code. Also, there is a download from an earlier blogpost: Say What you want without coming on too strong, 5 tips and 4 questions to ask.
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Here is another great article that goes into detail along with the Conversational Tone and Question checklist. You should really read that article. How to say what you want without coming on too strong
I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click HERE. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.
We waste that much on a few coffees at Starbucks, or a few Mocha Frappe’s at McDonald’s. It’s so worth it to get this inside information. I didn’t spill all the beans in this article. I just hit the tip of the iceberg. Click below to check the book out in any one of these locations.
The book lays out a blueprint and guide in different areas you should inspect. Here is an overview of what the book discusses.
- The Introduction and Prelude to Relationships– lays out the groundwork and different types of people there are. If you can recognize what type you are, you’ll be able to make a better selection, and maybe work on areas you might not be so strong in.
- The Basics– basically about being a gentlemen, and if you’re a lady, having some class.
- Standards– set some realistic expectations before you start, and hold the person accountable to those standards, but don’t overdo it.
- The Good Man– probably the most insightful chapter. This reveals the truth about a good man, what to expect, and how to deal with him.
- The Strong Woman– self-assessing and looking in the mirror to make yourself a stronger woman.
- Baggage Claim– anything extra our past experiences have placed on us that might make us bitter, or make it hard for us to trust.
- Sex and Intimacy– self explanatory
- Confidence and Attitude– develop your swag. The opposite sex notices.
- The Round Table– social media and its effects on relationships, who you should confide in about your relationship, and other various topics that need to be addressed.
- Graduation– learning to conquer all your insecurities and moving forward to triumph in your relationship. Focusing on the things that matter most.
I want to help you start building a healthy relationship, and watch a transformation take place in your life.
Relationships affect everyone. If you have an argument or disagreement with a spouse or partner, it could cause you to have a bad day. And when you have a truly special moment, you could feel like you’re on cloud nine all day!
I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!
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