People Are Worried about Finding Something Better than they Already Have
Cheating is always a hotly debated and contested area when we are talking about relationships. But to address infidelity would mean addressing a root cause. To think of a thought process that might birth the idea of infidelity, we can look at this concept: Is the grass greener on the other side?
This thought alone often gets us into trouble. We see something that invokes our senses, and invigorates our excitement. But didn’t mom or grandma always say everything that looks good ain’t always good? We don’t think about that at the time though.
When people start looking for fulfillment in different areas, it is because something at home may be lacking. There could be a number of different things that could be happening, because relationships have a lot of moving parts, and sometimes we lose track of some of those parts. Complacency is the main factor that contributes to this loss of track. We get comfortable in our current relationships, or we start slacking in our relationships over time, and being “happy” or “comfortable” becomes the norm.
We think we are safe and our partner won’t go seeking someone else because we have so many years in, or we have kids in, or whatever other reason we can come up with in our minds why they just wouldn’t do it. But people suffer silently lots of times without communicating what’s bothering them. Or they have communicated it, and no changes have been made over time.
Over time, when our partners slack, we seek fulfillment in other areas, and that’s when the question arises in our mind, “Is the grass greener?” Is this other person that has invigorated my senses and sparked my interest better than what I have at home? Often times they are not. But because of the current state of our relationship, we consider it, and even enjoy it.
It’s exciting to get those butterflies again. It’s exciting to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved. Everyone wants to feel like they’re needed in their partner’s life. When someone else comes along and provides that spark, we start to question what we have at home, instead of hashing those issues out. Everything starts to look like we’ve been wasting our time, and it starts a downward spiral. At the end of that downward spiral is the act of infidelity, when things just spiral out of control.
I’ve mentioned that my books , these articles, and my courses are focused mostly on preventive maintenance of our relationships. And this is primarily why. We go through the motions, and we get to this point. This is where some of the tools I’ve already introduced to you are going to be so effective at noticing these things when they initially start happening.
I’ve mentioned it in my podcasts, in previous articles and blogs, don’t get complacent. I even wrote a whole article on 5 ways to prevent infidelity. I’ll recap for those of you who either didn’t get the chance to read it or you’ve forgotten. They are essential points in remembering what brought you to your partner in the first place.
- Don’t get complacent
- Have a QRA every 3 months- which helps communicate when things change or issues arise that you may not necessarily be aware of
- Work to stay in some kind of shape
- Make time for sex
- Don’t make excuses
To read more about the QRA (Quarterly Relationship Assessment) and other resources:Read the Blog: QRA
For a roundup of preventive maintenance tips to keep you from getting to this point, you can check out another article I’ve written, 11 Core Concepts to Relationship Building.
Something new and fresh is always a powerful temptation to overcome, especially if things have currently become stale or stagnant. There is no excuse for infidelity, but there also is no excuse for becoming complacent, lazy, or just plain neglectful. If you don’t play your role and do your part, you will either lose the person, or they will cheat and the two of you will have to work on rebuilding, forgiveness, and building up that trust again. And this is no easy process.
Is the grass really greener?
Now in some cases, there really are times where two people got together for the wrong reasons, and don’t belong together. Here are some of them.
- pressure from friends or family
- having children together out of wedlock
- being high school sweethearts
- feeling like you can’t find anyone better
- don’t really love the person
These previous situations often present us with conundrums we don’t consider until we are years in, and a couple children down the line. I know so many people who have gotten married only because they had children, and their families and the church members were pressing them so hard to tie the knot even though deep down, they knew they either should have waited, or that the person wasn’t who they truly needed or wanted to be with.
I know one woman who got married to her high school sweetheart, stayed married 10 years and got divorced because he cheated. She hadn’t known anyone else or experienced anything else. Things were sour for several years but they never talked about any of the problems that had been developing. Lot’s of people think that it’s so hard to find someone, they might as well settle for who they already have, even if they have a bum hand. None of these are reasons to get with a person and stay with them.
And here are some cases where you should definitely get out of your current situation:
- verbal abuse
- physical abuse
- constant cheating
- constant lying
The last thing I’ll say about this subject is if your partner has repeatedly asked you to work something out, and you haven’t heeded their requests, at some point, they are going to make that decision, and go see if the grass is really greener. Chances are if you have elected to ignore these requests, warnings and signs, they will feel like it is time to seek alternatives.
Make sure you are being diligent in your relationships. If you are diligent before any of this presents itself, it won’t even be a worry of yours. Don’t let the enemy come in and destroy what you’ve worked hard to build. The enemies are complacency, laziness, unwillingness to adjust or address issues your partner has requested of you, and thinking that you’re irreplaceable.
Practice the preventive maintenance tools I teach, and implement them to keep the foundation you built strong.
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I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click HERE. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.
We waste that much on a few coffees at Starbucks, or a few Mocha Frappe’s at McDonald’s. It’s so worth it to get this inside information. I didn’t spill all the beans in this article. I just hit the tip of the iceberg. Click below to check the book out in any one of these locations.
The book lays out a blueprint and guide in different areas you should inspect. Here is an overview of what the book discusses.
- The Introduction and Prelude to Relationships– lays out the groundwork and different types of people there are. If you can recognize what type you are, you’ll be able to make a better selection, and maybe work on areas you might not be so strong in.
- The Basics– basically about being a gentlemen, and if you’re a lady, having some class.
- Standards– set some realistic expectations before you start, and hold the person accountable to those standards, but don’t overdo it.
- The Good Man– probably the most insightful chapter. This reveals the truth about a good man, what to expect, and how to deal with him.
- The Strong Woman– self-assessing and looking in the mirror to make yourself a stronger woman.
- Baggage Claim– anything extra our past experiences have placed on us that might make us bitter, or make it hard for us to trust.
- Sex and Intimacy– self explanatory
- Confidence and Attitude– develop your swag. The opposite sex notices.
- The Round Table– social media and its effects on relationships, who you should confide in about your relationship, and other various topics that need to be addressed.
- Graduation– learning to conquer all your insecurities and moving forward to triumph in your relationship. Focusing on the things that matter most.
I want to help you start building a healthy relationship, and watch a transformation take place in your life.
Relationships affect everyone. If you have an argument or disagreement with a spouse or partner, it could cause you to have a bad day. And when you have a truly special moment, you could feel like you’re on cloud nine all day!
I’m dedicated to helping you build those quality relationships. Its all in the book! And if you want to learn even more tips, tricks and strategies behind the way men think, then you’ve got to listen to this podcast!
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