Last week’s question from the series was: Would you marry someone or consider them for marriage without loving them if they had all the things you desired in a mate?(Good provider, good career, goal and family oriented) This is a continuation of the series of questions from the Relationship Resolution Series. Welcome to week 11. You can go back and read any of the previous questions in the series, and participate with your own answers in the comments below!
Give us a break sometimes…
Let’s face it. you women can really be relentless sometimes. You can really let men have it. One thing that makes us different is that women are more emotional than men, and therefore think with their feelings first, and their logic second. Men think more logically, and are said to be less emotional.
Although this is not indicative of being weak or not wanting to address issues, if every time we think a conversation is going to lead to negativity, we will tend to shy away every single time. At the top of men’s list is peace. We want peace. When you bring up a problem, our natural nature is to come up with a solution as quickly as possible, so we can put the fire out. That’s what we do. We are problem solvers.
We don’t necessarily dwell on things we have issues with. We find the solution, fix it, and that’s the end of it. Women tend to hold on to things a little longer than we do. Noting these major differences in the way we approach problems, it should set that light bulb moment off in your head.
You can’t always bring up something you want to talk about in full on war mode. We don’t respond to that. And if you’re just yelling, screaming, nagging, and whatever else you can come up with, you won’t get the results you’re looking for. The goal here is to come up with solutions to the things that are bothering you.
Try sitting next to him while he’s watching the game or something he enjoys, bring him a nice cold one, bring him some snacks or something, then when a commercial comes on, ask him if everything is good and if he needs anything. You know, really cater to him. Once he says he’s good, say okay baby after the game I wanted to tell you something. Enjoy the game hun. Then leave him alone.
After the game, take away his dishes and then ask him was it a good game. Even if you don’t understand sports or care to learn it, he’ll appreciate the catering. Then things will be smoother when you ask to speak with him. Start of by telling him what he does right. That’s the lead off. That initial first few words of the conversation is going to set the tone for if he’ll be defensive or relaxed.
You want him relaxed. Try the relaxed approach, even if it’s something that really got under your skin. Approaching everything calm really alleviates many of the small little arguments, objections, and little nuances we hate and things we do to try to avoid the conversation. Just get off the gas a bit when approaching these situations.
As rude and indecent as this sounds, we can ignore you quite easily if you come at the situation the wrong way. We don’t like confrontations with you on a regular basis. This is why I suggest approaching these issues every quarter. I’ve come up with the QRA (Quarterly Relationship Assessment). You should read up on it a bit. To learn more about the QRA, click here. This is the approach to use. Use the relaxed approach. Be calm, cool and collective.
QUESTION 11: WHY DO YOU THINK MEN NEVER WANT TO “TALK?” WHY DO YOU THINK WE HATE CONVERSATIONS THAT START WITH, “WE NEED TO TALK?”
I can tell you from personal experience that each time this question was asked it was related to something negative. There has always been a negative connotation to this phrase or question. The correlation is almost never positive. It suggests that something is wrong even though it may not be, and we men are always preparing for the worst.
To throw him off, I suggest saying this and then when you sit him down, tell him that you just wanted to note how good of a man, husband, and father he’s been, and you appreciate it. Then say “Good talk, thanks for listening.” Watch his entire expression change. And then leave the room. I promise you if you do this a couple times, any time you say let’s talk, he will be more receptive to the idea, because you’re not always bashing him after saying, “We need to talk.” Sandwich negative or constructive comments between two layers of praise. That’s the rule of thumb here. It will work for you. Try it.
If you needed an example, you could say something like this. “Hey honey, I know you’re working extra hard and I appreciate it. You’ve been doing a wonderful job taking care of the family. I couldn’t pray for a better husband. I noticed this week how busy you’ve been, and you were so tired you didn’t have time to check the trash so I took it out for you. I think it might be getting high again though. It’s been like that for a few weeks. But we truly appreciate you and keep up the good work love.” That probably wasn’t a very good example, but be creative and use your imagination. Sandwich constructive criticism always between two layers of praise.
And usually, after these words, tempers flare up, and voices get raised. Try actually just keeping a regular tone and having a conversation. It took me some time to realize that not every disagreement my wife and I had was an argument. Some were just discussions. I’m grateful that my wife doesn’t yell or throw things or get violent. I’ve had that in my past. But as long as you can sit down and have a conversation about it, the less of a negative connotation it will have when you finally do need to talk about something serious. It’s about getting your point across in an effective way without creating that argumentative flare that usually follows the phrase, “We need to talk.”
If you’d like to leave your answers to these questions, please leave a comment below! I’d absolutely love to hear from you. I’d love to hear your thoughts and outlooks on these topics.
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I get really deep into this particular issue in my book The Truth: Keeping it 100, The Blueprint to Relationships. The information in chapter 5 is so valuable its worth the price of the entire book alone. If you want to know what we’re thinking about it, that’s the chapter to read. To buy the book, click HERE. The eBook is only $4.99 and the paperback is $15.
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