The 3 Stages of Getting to Know Someone


 Playing your Role, Your Relationship Opportunity Cost, and how many times you should meet before making that decision…

Playing Your Role

Playing your role or your part is a very compelling reason for a person to stay faithful to you. I used to date quite a lot before I was married. Now, I’m not a promiscuous person so I would always try to stick with one woman at a time and see if it worked out. I wanted to at least see if it was something that could work, or if I should move on past it. So It may not have worked out for whatever reason. But in each case, I had no feelings about letting them go. It didn’t bother me.

That might sound a bit harsh. I’ll explain what I mean. Earlier, I wrote a blog post about Friends with benefits and why guys choose that type of situation. In that blog post, I talked about Relationship Cost Opportunity. That exact concept is what I’m talking about here. I’ll go a little deeper here on that issue.

Relationship Cost Opportunity

If a man is with you and you are dating, and they aren’t at the point where they want to play games and they are looking for a serious partner, there are going to be some things right away that let them know if you’re going to be a viable candidate or not. If you’re one of those people who don’t play their roles, for whatever reason, might be because you’re lazy, don’t want to cook or clean or other things depending on that particular relationship, obviously your relationship cost opportunity is going to be close to zero and it’s going to be really easy to make the decision to replace you when it comes time to make a decision on the woman who has the greatest Relationship Cost Opportunity. Does that make sense? If not, I’ll go even deeper. Read on.

If you’re one of those people who feel you shouldn’t let him get the milk for free without purchasing the cow, what are you going to do between the time when you’re actually dating trying to figure out if this person is right for you or if you’re right for each other? You can’t just say, “Oh, I’m not going to cook him a meal or I’m not going to do anything.” Or you might say something like, “That’s something that a wife should do. I’m his girlfriend and I’m not going to do that.” Let me tell you something and let you in on a little secret.

The day you decide you’re not going to do anything is the day you just reduced your chances of him marrying you. That’s just the way it is. I mentioned that when we are dating, we have several different choices and before we narrow it down and determine we are going to date and get more serious with one woman monogamously, we go over all these different scenarios and traits and qualities in our heads.

After we hear you say something like what I mentioned above, that may very well determine whether we choose to become monogamous and choose to pursue something deeper and committed with YOU, or with another woman we have been trying to decide on. I will tell you now that it is important you be yourself, but don’t stop doing things because you feel he’s “getting the milk for free.” I’ve written several articles already about how to determine if he’s playing games or if he’s worth your time. At this point you should already know he meets your criteria.

I talk briefly about this in my book, and I say even though a good man won’t make you feel like you’re in competition, you are in competition, until he specifically tells you out of his own mouth that the two of you are going to pursue a serious, monogamous relationship. And you deceive yourself if you believe otherwise. We are always in competition in a way. The old adage that says what you won’t do, another will still holds true today. So I can clear a few things up, I would break the dating into stages. I also mentioned that before you make this decision, give it at least 5 dates.


The following are the specific stages of learning about someone, and turning that knowledge into a choice to pursue a relationship, or abandon it altogether and continue searching, or be sought out (For those old-fashioned women who don’t believe a woman should “search” for anything).

STAGE 1 -THE EXPLORATORY STAGE includes dating, getting to know each other, finding out what they do for work, what their goals and ambitions are, and other things of this nature. For a refresher, read 6 Questions to ask before Jumping into Relationships. To give you the inside scoop, this is 5 different occasions you meet, and during this time, he more than likely has multiple eggs in the basket.

STAGE 2 – THE DECLARATION STAGE is usually around the 4th date, which is probably right around the month mark. (I’m assuming that you’ve went on 4 dates, one per week, which spans about a month.) It is at this time that you should have asked the right questions (remember How to Say what you want without coming on too strong?). As you get to this phase, this is around the time he will be looking at your cost opportunity and those of the others he is dating. And he will begin to make the decision to become monogamous with you, or someone else. If you are worried he won’t get to this point, 1) make the move to say what you want to prevent any more time being wasted. (example: I was looking for something serious. Do you feel the same way?) DECLARE your position. (This is why it is called the declaration stage) or 2) He just isn’t that guy. Get out of there.

STAGE 3 -THE GROUNDWORK STAGE- You go on either the 5th or a final date. (This may not be a date, maybe just meeting up to sit down and talk or have coffee.) This is the turning point where you and him specifically discuss becoming monogamous with each other verbally, and he dismisses the other women he has, and decides to choose you. This is also where you decide to let go of any other men you’ve been dating, and choose him. This is where the relationship truly begins.

Please keep in mind that until STAGE 3, if you’ve been having sex and giving up the goods, it was just for fun. STAGE 3 is where you will continue dating, but now there will be some meaning to it. It gets real now. That is not to say that it wasn’t real before, but there will be some boundaries set and an understanding about where the committed relationship is going. Don’t be surprised if you find out that he’s still been messing around during STAGE 1 and STAGE 2. This is the way most guys are. All guys aren’t like this, but a large majority are going to play the field until they have a reason not to. This stage is where you will begin laying the groundwork for what the future will encompass.


With that said, this is why I encourage waiting until marriage to have sex. But if you are one of those I-gotta-have-it type of folks, and you know without a shadow of a doubt you aren’t waiting, then at least don’t engage in sexual activity until these 3 stages are done. It really isn’t that long, and you should have some certainties about the future before you engage and continue. Though his actions aren’t always guaranteed, I still advise that men are men, and therefore you should look very closely at what he does more than what he says, and if they don’t match up, adjust accordingly. (Meaning get the hell out of there.)

This is usually and ideally after some time has passed. I said 5 dates as a minimum guideline, but I truly encourage you to stretch this out a little to learn as much as you can so you can make an informed decision. Who likes to waste their time? It’s the one asset you can’t ever get back once its gone, so I’m trying to help you make it count.

There is a quick infographic checklist that goes over the most pertinent details here so you’ll have a quick go-to-guide. I hope this helps. Please join the conversation and let me know if you have any questions by leaving a comment below. I hope this brought you some value. Thanks for reading this far. I appreciate you and I want you to join the fam! Check out the short video below the infographic I’ve prepared for you!

download-bar3-stages-twitterThe tips I recommended here in this article are not nearly enough time to vet a potential candidate. You should spend months figuring out if you really want to see this through to marriage. If you have children, 6 months is the minimum you should be with a guy. As I advise in my book, any potential candidate whether it is a man or woman should not meet your children until at least 6 months have passed with each other. That’s a good rule of thumb. The fakers and players won’t last that long. You will have rid yourself of the ones who aren’t serious by then. Six months is an eternity in today’s relationship landscape. I used brevity in my recommendations because the relationship and dating landscape these days has moved to a very fast-paced situation. And attention spans these days truly are short.


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Thanks for reading to the end. If you liked this blog post, please check out others of mine you might like. And I would love to hear your feedback on these topics. Leave your comments below! Here are some of my other top blog posts you might find interesting.

  • 7 Reasons a Person Won’t Leave a Bad Relationship
  • 3 Reasons You’re Still Single and 7 Reasons Why Guys May Not Approach You
  • The Changing Face and Mindset of the Modern Eligible Bachelor: 26 is the new 18
  • How to Overcome Past Hurts and Start Fresh

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